Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
