If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
