what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
