I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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