Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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