That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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