Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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