My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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