My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she looked like the before picture.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
