I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
