I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
