I showed him my bush... on skype.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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