We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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