there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize