saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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