you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
