Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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