Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize