Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
