I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
