I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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