I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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