If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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