thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
