It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
whose parrot is this?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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