nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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