no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
