standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My life is pants optional.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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