So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
