I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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