I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So squirting runs in the family.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
