oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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