I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i think my cat just said my name.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
