Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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