anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
