if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
