So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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