shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
