State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
