who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
