i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
