I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
