Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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