Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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