apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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