I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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