I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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