i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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