Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
