My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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