I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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