that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He did a backflip because drugs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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