our cab driver is having phone sex.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
