My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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